Scientists Begin Research of Endless Shrimp Theory at Local Red Lobster

GENEVA, IL -- Citing its limitless possibilities and high potential for mathematical singularity, scientists from the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory set out during their lunch break on Friday to better understand the theoretical application of infinite shrimp experienced every year during Red Lobster’s ‘Endless Shrimp’ promotion. The annual event, in which a never-ending variety of succulent shrimp choices is said to be of an interminable quantity, will be painstakingly studied by Fermilab scientists “probably for the rest of the day”, according to one researcher. “In quantum field theory, infinities arise which need to be interpreted in such a way as to lead to a physically meaningful result, therefore the research must be done ever so carefully,” said Dr. John C. Rhodes, in between large bites of Red Lobster’s new parmesan crusted shrimp. “The key to studying ‘Endless Shrimp’ theory, we believe, is to not load up on cheddar biscuits in order to save room so you can try all the shrimp more than once and decide which is your favorite.” Although still in the early stages of a research campaign expected to last weeks, if not months, the scientific team has already agreed on one conclusion -- although without bound and by all accounts eternal, more than one plate of the garlic shrimp scampi can lead to perpetual heartburn.

Obama Condemns Gardener’s Use of Leaf Blower Near Presidential Bedroom Window

WASHINGTON, DC -- President Barack Obama issued a statement on Wednesday strongly condemning the use of a noisy gas-powered leaf blower by a White House gardener just outside his bedroom window at approximately 8:45 this morning. “I would like to express sympathies to my wife Michelle and to whomever else I might have been cranky with this afternoon after I was unnecessarily woken up by this incessant machine and the gardener who was behind it,” said Obama. “The White House has and will continue to be deeply concerned by the reckless use of gas-powered leaf blowers within my earshot and their impact on my peaceful early morning slumber.” President Obama then described the use of the incredibly loud and superfluous device in the early morning as an “intolerable offense” and called on White House authorities to “investigate in a prompt and efficient manner this serious act, with the purpose of seeking out the perpetrators and possibly giving them a long, wooden-handled, bristly leaf-moving device that doesn’t run at 75-fucking-decibels.”

InfoGraphic: Bush Memoir Titles

Former President George W. Bush has released the name of his forthcoming presidential memoir, which is entitled ‘Decision Points’. What were some of his previously considered titles?

• Harry Potter and the Enemy Combatant of Azkaban Bay

• Goosebumps: Stay Out of Cheney’s Basement Bunker

• The Decider In the Rye

• A Farewell to Civil Liberties

• Oh, the Places You’ll Invade!

• Are You There, Reagan? It’s me, George

• 101 Tips for Effectively Clearing Brush

• Choose Your Own Adventure: You Deal with 9/11

• Stars at Night: The Story of the 1992 Texas Rangers

• Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Missing Pre-9/11 Terror Memo

• The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble with Hurricanes

Car Dealership Tips

A trip to the car dealership often leaves people with feelings of dread, but your experience doesn’t have to be an unpleasant one. The following are some helpful tips to make your visit to the dealership an easy and pleasant one:

• Educate yourself on rebates and factory incentives beforehand, as paying attention to those promotions can help you better understand later why they conveniently and arbitrarily do not apply to your specific sale.

• When viewing a car on the lot, it’s important to discuss the available options -- does it have cup holders equipped to hold super-sized drinks? Does it come with extendable seat belts and extra-wide seats? Does it have a traction control system that allows for easy navigation of restaurant drive-thru’s in all types of weather?

• The service department waiting area offers many different interesting ways to pass the time, from catching up on the latest episode of The Maury Povich Show to reading a newspaper in Polish.

• If George Costanza has constructed a candy line-up in the customer service room consisting of ten candy bars with no wrappers or identification of any kind and asks you to identify the 5th Avenue Bar, it’s a setup -- they’re all Twix.

• Make sure everything is agreed to in writing. Never, under any circumstances, should you purchase an automobile based on a wink or a high-five.

• It’s important to remember that if your car is having problems, never take it to the dealership unless you’re absolutely positive getting totally fucked is covered by your warranty. 

Ghost of Film Critic Gives Praise to ‘The Bounty Hunter’ From Beyond the Grave

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- The ghost of film critic Gary Sweeney, who was murdered in 2002, gave a favorable review on Friday for the new Columbia Pictures film ‘The Bounty Hunter’ from the afterlife. The movie, starring Gerard Butler as a bounty hunter charged with the task of finding his ex-wife, played by Jennifer Aniston, was hailed from the great beyond by Sweeney, who exclaimed “Brightening the eternal darkness of the purgatory that surrounds my lost soul, Aniston turns in yet another shining comedic performance!” Penning his review from the hereafter, Sweeney gave the film three and a half stars, thanks in part to its themes of redemption and the triumphs of the human condition. “My unsettled spirit seeks a closure only an arrest can bring, please find my killer soon so that I may rest in peace,” said Sweeney. “And rest assured, this bounty-ful cast is sure to be in the hunt this coming award season!” Helmed by veteran director Andy Tennant (‘Hitch’, ‘Sweet Home Alabama’), Sweeney notes the film’s title can be rearranged to spell out the location of his still-missing body. “Aniston and Butler’s screen chemistry will be forever remembered and my consciousness will be forever in limbo unless you solve my murder,” Sweeney added. “Check room 336 at the Broadmoor Hotel for a vital clue, hurry!” ‘The Bounty Hunter’ is in theaters March 19th.

Latest People Magazine Outshines Majesty of Airplane Flight

LITTLE ROCK, AR -- Revealing the truth about Kate Gosselin's new body and Liam Neeson's latest chance at love, the latest issue of People Magazine took preeminence over the miracle of human aviation on Tuesday aboard a Southwest Airlines flight from Ft. Lauderdale to Little Rock. Passenger and longtime People Magazine subscriber Melissa Hosmer, 26, was astounded to learn that Liam Neeson has cautiously began dating a year and a half after the death of his wife and not, in fact, that she was traveling through the sky at nearly six hundred miles-per-hour in an aluminum tube. "Oh my God, Kate Gosselin's firm stomach looks unbelievable," Hosmer said as she turned the page some 30,000 feet above the Earth and it's inhabitants, who were once resigned to traveling solely by ground and sea, jealous of the winged vertebrate animals who experienced the grace of flight. Shortly before the pinnacle of human engineering effortlessly descended from the heavens with the aid of complex flight computers that would almost assuredly bring the Wright brothers to tears were they alive today, Hosmer was said to be in awe over pictures of Kate Hudson's Emilio Pucci backless gown and Cartier jewels.

InfoGraphic: Bigger Business

Searching for a way to invigorate declining sales, many companies are now exclusively targeting plus-size female consumers. What are some of the new brands being marketed?

• Tub-E-Girl Recliners

• Forever Size 21

• X.X.L. Bean

• O. Bese

• Big Ann Taylor

• Wide-Load Keds

• Wheat Fats

• Lord & Taylor & Portly

• Rotundo Wii

• TJ Maxximum Capacity

• Bulgeberry Clusterpudge Cheerios